Baby Steps

If this post seems disjointed and all over the place, it’s because my brain is disjointed and all over the place. You’ve been warned.

Everything is a process.

Step by step, inch by inch, row by row (that reference is for you, mom).*

This week has been full of preparation, not just for this long drive to Florida, but for training this summer, and for probably never having a REAL summer again in my life. But who knows what God has in store.

I’ve been on long car rides before. We drove from Omaha to Waco, Texas in one day when I was 11. For reference, that’s 740 miles. Tomorrow, I’ll be driving 1070 miles to Macon, Georgia. I thankfully have three friends riding along with me, so we’ll at least be able to take turns driving.

But if I think of it as 1070 miles, I’ll go insane. Instead, it’s Omaha to Kansas City. Kansas City to St. Louis. St. Louis to Nashville. Nashville to Chattanooga. Chattanooga to Atlanta. Atlanta to Macon. Step by step. Mile by mile. Song to song on the 15 hour playlist Hayley and I have been putting together.

We’ve also had 24+ hours of prep work to do before getting to training. WOOF. I’m a master procrastinator, but even I know that I can’t cram 24 hours of Bible study and reading in the day before leaving. That too has been passage to passage, chapter to chapter. I haven’t been this timely about getting anything done in a long time.

And packing for 5 weeks in Florida? Don’t even get me started. Lists on lists on lists. I’m thinking in small chunks. Business casual clothes for daytime? Got ’em. Casual clothes? Heck yes. Toothbrush, makeup, bathing suit, LOTS of socks? On it. I’ve got lists going in 6 different places of things to remember (note to self: rain jacket, phone charger, and cotton balls need to be put on one of those lists!) #7lists

Despite all of the insanity, I’ve gotten to spend quality time with both of my parents and my sister, hang out with other friends, and even gotten in a little relax time for myself.

Last night, in the midst of a deep texting conversation with Hayley, I desperately needed an opinion. So I sent her this picture.

Green Bear-y, Hoppy, and Fredrick, three of my very best friends.

I couldn’t decide which of these guys to bring to training with me. (I’ve decided on Fredrick because #fatbirds) It was such a childish question to ask, but at the moment, it was a genuinely important decision to make. Maybe I have graduated college, maybe I actually have a big kid job now (#mishlife), but maybe I’m also still too young to go on a long trip without a stuffed animal. And that’s okay.

I remember reading this essay senior year of high school in my AP Lit class. It was about a girl on her birthday and how even as you get older, there’s a part of you that is still all of the ages that you’ve been before.

After a quick google search, the essay is called “Eleven” by Sandra Cisneros.

And maybe one day when you’re all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you’re three, and that’s okay.

This summer is going to be a process too. There will be tears. There will be growth. Step by step. Day by day.

And on the day that I feel three and need to cry and cry, I will have Fredrick there with me.

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This will be my last post for sure before heading out of Nebraska. Please pray for me and my friends as we all travel towards Ave Maria!

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*Now that song is stuck in my head. I beg you, don’t click on that link if you ever want to think of gardens without having this John Denver song stuck in your head for the rest of your life. Save yourself.

 

Tuesday True, Good, and Beautiful #9

I LEAVE FOR FLORIDA IN THREE DAYS. THREE. DAYS.

I have been spoiled rotten so far this “summer” here in Nebraska. I am wildly unprepared for the Florida heat and humidity. It’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks.

It’s been such a great week though. I’ve had a nice balance of seeing friends and family who are in town, as well as preparing for these next 5 weeks of FOCUS training and beyond.

And since it’s Tuesday…

True: This Sunday was Pentecost, the feast on which we pray my favorite sequence in the entire Church. The full prayer can be found here. Unfortunately, my parish doesn’t pray/sing it during Mass, but I always pray through it anyway. It’s a prayer asking the Holy Spirit to come upon us, just as it did on the apostles 50 days after Easter.

My favorite line is this: “Bend the stubborn heart and will, melt the frozen, warm the chill, guide the steps that go astray.”

The Holy Spirit is capable of doing all of these things – teaching us how to love better, helping us allow God into our lives in a more complete way, softening our hearts that have been hardened by sin and the sins of others against us, and leading us back towards our Heavenly Father when we’ve started to wander. Literally ALL we have to do is ask!

I wish I had taken this picture. This is the Holy Spirit window in St. Peter’s Basilica, and it’s so so so beautiful.

Good: It seems like a good time to bring up my Totus Tuus friends. I have taught Totus Tuus for the last two summers in the archdiocese of Omaha. It feels SUPER weird to not be out at their training which is going on right now, learning and praying and growing in friendship with my teammates and friends, but it’s so beautiful to know that the new teachers are there experiencing what I have the last two summers.

I am so grateful for all the people I got to work with through this program, both the other teachers as well as all the parishioners and students that I met at all 13 parishes I got to serve at over the two summers.

I’ve gotten to see and talk to a lot of these other teachers/teammates recently, and I’m so grateful for each one of them. God has given me so many graces through all of these people that I’m still unpacking all of them. He is too good.

The 2013 Omaha Totus Tuus teachers.

The 2014 Omaha Totus Tuus teachers.

Beautiful: Today, my sister was home for a lot of the day. We ate too much food and watched pieces of a lot of tv shows (it’s really hard to decide on one to watch). My friend Hayley stopped by for a few minutes and made this comment to me: “It’s so beautiful to hear the two of you giggling together!”

It made my heart super happy to have a sister who will laugh at ridiculous things with me and that we can just spend time together knowing that we understand each other possibly more than anyone else in the world. I hope that the love we have for each other can show other people that it is possible to LOVE and get along with your siblings even when you don’t necessarily agree on everything.

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I hope to be writing as regularly as possible as training begins in Florida, but I really have no idea what these next few months will hold, so thank you for coming along on the ride with me!

Please be praying for my friends and I as we travel down to Ave Maria to prepare for this new journey. Let me know if there’s any specific way I can pray for you as well!

Just For A Moment

EVERYTHING is happening. I was incredibly naive and thought that things would slow down at least a little after graduation. Boy was I wrong!

There are so many people to see and things to prepare before leaving for Florida (IN SIX DAYS) and items to shop for and crafts to do because the only thing I’ve actually shopped for is more craft supplies.

But what’s life if you don’t add a little beauty to it?

I’ve been listening to “Let’s Be Still” by The Head and The Heart on repeat lately. It’s being added to my list of songs that I associate with graduations that will inevitably make me break down and cry every once in a while.

If you want a partial glance at more of that list, it includes the following songs:

• Good Riddance by Green Day – 8th grade graduation
• Graduation by Vitamin C – also 8th grade
• Here’s To The Nights by Eve 6
• Time For Me To Fly by The Jonas Brothers
• Jeannette by Chase Coy – TEARS FOR YEARS

Laugh at me all you want. I never claimed to not be basic.

But really. Please listen to this song.

The world’s not forgiving of everyone’s fears. The days turn into months, the months turn into years. So just for a moment, let’s be still.

Woof. So in honor of all of the feelings this song has made me feel, today I painted some of the lyrics on a canvas! I’ve been wanting to paint something like this for a while but I couldn’t decide on what words to use. This post was my inspiration for making this painting imperfect. I would love to try a bigger version. I can see a lot more of these happening in the future. Here’s the finished product!

This only took me one episode of Gilmore Girls. So quick and pretty!

As crazy as my emotions seem to me sometimes, I appreciate them when it comes to times like these. My sentimentality often allows me to slow down and soak in a moment, focusing on and memorizing details, not letting big or small things pass me by unnoticed.

The Carthusian religious order has this as a motto: “The cross is steady while the world turns.”

Latin is cool. Carthusians are cool. The Catholic Church is really cool.

Even as everything whirls on around me, Jesus’s sacrifice for me is all that really matters. If I’m able to remain in that love, like I wrote about last week, I’ll be able to be still and notice the details of His love for me, even when those details seem painful, like saying goodbye or having to put in a lot of work in the next few days. All things work together for the glory of the Kingdom!

God is good and His love is worth seeking. I promise.

 

Stay Stay Stay

Last week, I heard the same gospel reading at three different Masses.

1. Thursday, May 7th, my final Mass as a student at the UNL Newman Center.
2. Saturday, May 9th, at the wedding of my friends Katherine and Jacob.
3. Sunday, May 10th, visiting St. Margaret Mary’s parish in Omaha.

Usually, when God tells me something THREE TIMES, it’s something I need to hear.

This time, it was the phrase in John 15:9 “remain in my love”.

As Jesus prepares for His passion, this is what He tells His disciples.

So, in true nerd fashion, I looked up the dictionary definition of remain.

Remain /rəˈmān/ (verb): continue to exist, especially after other similar or related people or things have ceased to exist.

I’m leaving Lincoln. I’m leaving the life of being a college student. I’m leaving the community I’ve come to know and love. I’m leaving the house I’ve lived in for two years. All of these things are ceasing to exist (at least physically) in my own life.

There are SO MANY GOODBYES to say.

I am so sentimental. I want to cry. I want closure. I want to have a final moment with each person, with each place.

But life is messier than that. I have an awkward amount of time between graduating and leaving Lincoln, between leaving Lincoln and heading to Florida, between finishing training in Florida and going to whatever campus FOCUS will send me to.

I really don’t KNOW when some of these “lasts” will be. Nothing is more awkward than saying a dramatic goodbye to someone and then unintentionally seeing them two days later. Believe me, I would know.

I’m always grateful for people who get this. Holden Caulfield, protagonist of The Catcher in the Rye and my favorite character in literature, understands.

What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by. I mean I’ve left schools and places I didn’t even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don’t care if it’s a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it. If you don’t, you feel even worse.

“Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.”

But as many goodbyes as there are to say, there are even more hellos. Hello to a new place (which I will find out in just a few short weeks!), hello to new people, hello to a deepened, more intentional (albeit long distance) friendship with the friends I’ve made in Nebraska, hello to a life lived more fully for Christ and His Church.

Jesus tells me to REMAIN in His love. I’m already there, living in the midst of it. It’s like the fish who’s swimming around, looking for the ocean. He doesn’t realize that the ocean is all around him constantly. I’m a fish, swimming in the ocean of God’s love and mercy. I’m seeking out a state of being that God has already called me into.

And through the storms of life, through the transitions, the constant state of being overwhelmed with what’s going on around me, God’s love never changes. He alone is constant.

I did not make this. It’s just really pretty.

Remaining in His love means trusting despite the changes, despite the uncertainty, and despite the sadness that comes from saying goodbye.

I am so excited to see what God has in store for me as I begin this adventure.

Tuesday True, Good, and Beautiful #5

It’s been more than a month since I’ve started this blog! Woo!

I’m once again avoiding a writing assignment – this time it’s my last research paper of my entire college career. YAYAYAY.

Let’s just dive right into this.

True: Last night at Mass, Fr. Matya gave an AWESOME homily. The Gospel passage was from John – the whole sheep thing we’ve been hearing for the last few days now. Jesus says “I am the gate. Anyone who enters through me will be safe: he will go freely in and out and be sure of finding pasture.” John 10:9. I’m sitting there thinking “umm, Jesus, didn’t you just say yesterday that you were the shepherd? How can you also be a gate?”

Fr. Matya proceeded to explain that in this area, it was common for many flocks of sheep to placed together in one large pen at night. There was only one door/gate to go through to get into this pen. Sometimes, if there was no door, the shepherd himself would lay across the entrance all night long to prevent any sheep from getting out and any thieves from coming in. AHA!

Just when I’m feeling like I’m flopping around in the darkness, pretty lost and confused and wondering if I’m even where I’m supposed to be, Jesus reminds me that He’s constantly guarding me from wandering off without meaning to. I’m safe in the pen, guarded by my Shepherd from anything from the outside trying to get at me. Praise God.

Some sheep we ran across in Assisi last year. After seeing them, I wrote an entire journal entry pondering their shepherd and what his life must be like.

Good: I’ve already written about my lovely roommate Katie, but as I was figuring out whose shown God’s goodness to me this past week, it was her and two more of our friends, Cody and Ryan, yet again.

Cody and Ryan are two of the silliest people I know. Neither is afraid to be who God made him to be, and I respect their weirdness as well as their generosity so much. I am so grateful to have met them in college – Cody while we were on a study abroad trip to Spain, and Ryan through Cody at the Newman Center.

We’ve all put in a LOT of work over the past few years, especially at making our Newman Center Formal Dances happen, and I wouldn’t have picked anyone else to be working with.

Each formal, we’ve taken a picture copying the picture we took at our first formal together. Cody put a .gif of them together, and it’s basically my new favorite thing. We’re pretty cool.

Me, Cody, Katie, and Ryan. December 2013, April 2014, December 2014, April 2015.

Beautiful: Can a feeling count as beautiful? #myblogmyrules so it is this week. Today, I was walking from my Management class to my Death and Dying class for the very last time. As I paid special attention to the beautiful spring colors and sights and sounds around me, I felt overwhelmingly excited to see where it is God will place me to serve with FOCUS next year. I am so stoked to explore a new campus, possibly live in a new climate, meet so many new people, and experience something beyond what I could have ever imaged. I am so grateful that I’m filled with this excitement instead of fear, dread, or anxiety.

I hope you are all finding plenty of true, good, and beautiful things this dead week!

If you’re looking for some laughs, follow our Avila house twitter account. We get exponentially funnier during dead week/finals week.

Off to write my final paper!